Hello!
I am back! I have been away from this blog for quite some time now busy giving
birth to my son, James Ender Day. The experience has been strange, frightening,
thrilling, humbling, gratifying, and almost every other emotion in between.
In
so many ways I feel as though my whole world has changed and the resultant alien
feeling I have can be quite unsettling at times. Like missing a step going downstairs
or the punched-in-your-gut feeling of a fast elevator ride it is as though the
ground underneath my feet has fallen away and I feel that I am struggling to get
back to some glimmer of normalcy.
I
have been reading a book about Buddhism and how meditation can help in times like
these. The book advises to stop struggling, to exist with that groundlessness
and accept the nothingness into my brain with an open heart. In some ways this
is unhelpful, but in others I feel comforted.
It's
nice to know that it's okay to feel broken. It's okay to feel raw and alone and
totally venerable. It's where I am right now and I am existing in that place.
It's nothing more and nothing less that feeling totally alien, totally weird in
my skin, my life, my home.
I
have been reminiscing a lot about another life change I went through many years
ago. Becoming a woman is not as painful, but the fear is definitely there. Suddenly
our body is no longer the comfortable child shape it was for so long. Our hormones
too bring forth the alien-like feeling that nothing is the same and everything
is changing. Becoming a mother is the same experience but in a much more intense
way.
So
what do we do when faced with the unknown? What do we do when everything is different
and its scary and bad and all you want to do is throw the covers over your
head and wish it all away?
Unfortunately
the covers trick doesnt work anymore. Really nothing works anymore. The
most we can do is take it day by day. Experience each change, each difference
and see it only for what it is, not what isn't.
Eventually,
it may be weeks, or months, or years what once seemed weird and strange will be
normal and where the ground once felt invisible, it is now back firmly underneath
our feet.
Embrace
change and we will grow together.
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