Hello!
I am back! I have been away from this blog for quite some time now
busy giving birth to my son, James Ender Day. The experience has
been strange, frightening, thrilling, humbling, gratifying, and
almost every other emotion in between.
In
so many ways I feel as though my whole world has changed and the
resultant alien feeling I have can be quite unsettling at times.
Like missing a step going downstairs or the punched-in-your-gut
feeling of a fast elevator ride it is as though the ground underneath
my feet has fallen away and I feel that I am struggling to get back
to some glimmer of normalcy.
I have
been reading a book about Buddhism and how meditation can help in
times like these. The book advises to stop struggling, to exist
with that groundlessness and accept the nothingness into my brain
with an open heart. In some ways this is unhelpful, but in others
I feel comforted.
It's
nice to know that it's okay to feel broken. It's okay to feel raw
and alone and totally venerable. It's where I am right now and I
am existing in that place. It's nothing more and nothing less that
feeling totally alien, totally weird in my skin, my life, my home.
I have
been reminiscing a lot about another life change I went through
many years ago. Becoming a woman is not as painful, but the fear
is definitely there. Suddenly our body is no longer the comfortable
child shape it was for so long. Our hormones too bring forth the
alien-like feeling that nothing is the same and everything is changing.
Becoming a mother is the same experience but in a much more intense
way.
So
what do we do when faced with the unknown? What do we do when everything
is different and its scary and bad and all you want to do
is throw the covers over your head and wish it all away?
Unfortunately
the covers trick doesnt work anymore. Really nothing works
anymore. The most we can do is take it day by day. Experience each
change, each difference and see it only for what it is, not what
isn't.
Eventually,
it may be weeks, or months, or years what once seemed weird and
strange will be normal and where the ground once felt invisible,
it is now back firmly underneath our feet.
Embrace
change and we will grow together.
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